14:“Where’s the Fahr?”

ALL MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED AND MAY NOT BE USED WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION.

by The Grinch 

ATLANTA, GA – Anyone else notice what’s missing? We’ve all heard a lot over the last few years about how “Atlanta isn’t a sports town.” In fact, there used to be a big billboard that had that quote up over the interstate with an enormous tomahawk coming down right through the middle. Remember that? Where did it go?

I was reminded of that sign (and its absence) a few days ago when I was going through some old videotapes I found in a box in my attic. One had me and an ex of mine sitting on a couch in a house I used to live in on the Northeast side, and we were watching and cheering on the Braves. I was glad to see that, because while I remembered her as a hot 17 year old redhead (I was 19 at the time; I don’t want to hear it), I also remember her as an evil, shrieking harpy whose soul I continuously wished into the sixth circle of hell. Nice to see she was once happy about something.

Anyhow, my mind took that memory and ran with it, as minds will do, and I remembered a few other things from that time period.

I remembered the year before (1991) where I was living in the same place and dating the same girl, and I worked 2nd shift (5pm to 3am) at a local machine shop. There being no internet or cell phones at the time, this naturally meant the only way to keep track of the Braves was by portable radio/walkman (the predecessor of the I-pod for all you youngsters out there).

This practice of wearing headphones during Braves games had never been a problem before because the Braves had been terrible so long it didn’t exactly interrupt work. We were nine back of the Dodgers that year at the break, and then something funny started happening. Not funny “ha-ha,” but funny like “hey…don’t you guys start messing with us now; you don’t have a chance. Do you?”

It was gradual, of course; nobody believed it for a while. But they kept winning. And winning. The Dodgers got nervous, and obliged us by starting to lose. The silent fist-pumps after wins got stronger and more animated, eventually accompanied by one or two people mouthing “YES!” (You couldn’t hear anything over the machines or headphones).

The impossible started happening, less work got done, and late in the season it began to get to even the most cynical of us, even me. Yes, the Grinch’s two-sizes-too-small heart started pounding a little faster for the first time that didn’t involve drugs, authority, or hot 17 year old redheads.

Nixon set the table and automatically stole second, and sometimes third. Terry Pendleton was clutch. Glavine was steady. Avery was way too young to be that nasty. Belliard was smooth as butter. Pena had ice water in his veins (does anyone remember how good he really was? Nobody ever talks about it). Jeff freakin’ Treadway hit .320 (I can’t believe I remember that).

It was going to happen, it was a miracle, and we were witness to it. So little work got done we lost a contract with Lockheed to build parts for the F-22 (don’t kid yourselves that it hasn’t been in the works for a while) and the 2nd shift foreman got fired (he was the biggest Braves fan of all, and didn’t have the heart to order the radios off).

It didn’t matter. WE WON. And when Nixon went down Dion rode a helicopter in and took over. It didn’t matter, WE WON.

If Minnesota hadn’t openly cheated in a half-dozen ways, we would have won it all. We won our three home games by an awful lot of runs, and that was good enough. We knew who really won. The city was ON FIRE.

The next year I was at my girlfriend’s place watching game 7 of the NLCS and we were down 3-0 in the 8th. I was mad at her anyway so I left to walk home (I had a suspended license). When I got to the bridge over 85 cars started laying on their horns as they passed me and people had their heads out of the windows hollering. I kept checking to see if I had panties hanging out of my jacket pocket or something, then finally noticed people were doing it on the interstate below as well. Sid slid and THE WHOLE CITY WAS ON FIRE.

Where did that go, people? When was the last time you saw anyone in this town laying on the horn and hollering out the window that wasn’t just an isolated drunken fool? This city had spirit at one point; you can’t tell me all those people have moved since then. They just don’t seem to care that much anymore.

Back then, you brought your own beer, food and liquor into the stadium and everyone had a good time regardless. Now, you’re frisked like a terrorist, charged a kidney for beer so you don’t even have something left to filter it, and when you get loud with excitement people look angrily at you because you’re disturbing their cell phone calls. Who are these people, and what did they do with the old ones? I was gone from Atlanta from 1994 to 2006, so the change was a shock to me. I assume it was gradual; I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.

The billboard has disappeared, and with it the baseball spirit of this city. It’s been replaced by quiet mediocrity and worse, apathy. Look what passes for a beet writer, for (censored)’s sake (hopefully soon to be supplanted by Chop Seal)! Instead of quietly (censored)ing and moaning on message boards that we’re gonna lose it all every time a lead gets blown, then shrugging our shoulders and saying “I told you so” ‘cause we knew it was gonna happen when it finally does, we need to TAKE OUR (CENSORED) CITY, STADIUM AND TEAM BACK.

Did this country give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor (shut up, I’m on a roll)? NO! I don’t care if we win 40 games next season; I don’t want to be the only one out there making some REAL noise, not just polite yuppie applause in between stock tips. If you can’t make it to the game, lay on your horn and stick your head out the window and yell like a fool. If you don’t do either there’d better be some yellow clown shoes involved and I want to hear the details.

Now. Who’s with me?

And yes, I’m sober, though it shouldn’t matter.

Grinch

HOME PLATE

TEXT EFFECTS

THE LINEUP CARD

BASEBALL VIDEOS & PHOTOS

OUR OWN CANDID CAMERAS! 🙂

Email: BravesAndStuff@hotmail.com