17:NY Carpetbaggers Challenge Salty’s Bama Barnstormers

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by williamwallace

ATHENS, GA – The days of barnstorming during the offseason were thought to be long over. Then some enterprising Dixie whistler named Salty secured funding to start up his own barnstorming team from his bootlegging buddy Klobber. And, yes, Klobber, we know you are a bootlegger. We know this much discussed red velvet cake is mere code for one of your bootlegged products. Although I guess this would make sweet Flbravesgirl a bootlegger as well.

But, anyways, as Salty has previously announced in this here place, Salty has formed his own barnstorming squad of Bama greats.

Salty’s squad boasts an infield of Willie McCovey, Ted Sizemore, Ozzie Smith, and Joe Sewell; an outfield of Billy Williams, Willie Mays, and Hank Aaron; Charlie Moore playing catcher; and a bench of Riggs Stephenson, Jim Davenport, Rudy York, Carlos May, Monte Irvin, Heine Manush, and Luke Sewell. His pitching rotation has Don Sutton, Early Wynn, Satchel Paige, Jimmy Key, Doyle Alexander, Bob Veale, Virgil Trucks, Rip Sewell, Jeff Brantley, and Clay Carroll. His manager is Gabby Street.

This barnstorming team from Sweet Home Alabama is taking the world by storm, going town to town, taking on all friends and foes, winning every game, while Salty pockets boatloads of money.

Of course, being the bootlegging, rum running shyster gangster that he is, Klobber collects kickbacks from the earnings of Salty’s team of Bama barnstormers.

Klobber is also using these games as a way to franchise his saloons. Klobber’s Knob Creek Saloons have been opening all over the country wherever Salty’s Bama Barnstormers leave the townfolk in their wake. The players are reportedly only being paid with the privilege of indulging in Knob Creek.

Many across the nation breathlessly await news of the daily exploits of this group of Bama Barnstormers. Some beet writer has been Johnny-on-the-spot and has capitalized on the success of the team and the demand for news about the team. This beet writer is being called a modern day Grantland Rice. Whether that is true remains to be seen.

But, recently, the beet writer has announced he is bored with the team. The beet writer has made a nationwide call to arms to come challenge Salty’s Bama Barnstormers. The beet writer is demanding a tournament be played. Many are reportedly too scared to take on Salty’s squad.

I decided to take the beet writer’s challenge to come conquer the unbeaten Bama Barnstormers. I secured some funding from the bootleggin’ Klobber myself, purchased a Juggs gun, binoculars, a stop watch, and a whistle. I was determined to go do some bird dogging.

Not knowing where to find players, I looked around locally here in Athens, Georgia. I only found 5 players who had played in the majors who could claim to have been born here in Athens, and only 2 of them are worth anything as ballplayers: Brian McCann and Jake Westbrook. That just wasn’t gonna work. So, I decided to head back to the place of my birth and raising: the Boogie Down Bronx.

So, I took the Amtrak up to Penn Station, did some sightseeing in Manhattan, and then headed over to Grand Central to catch the 4 train up to the Bronx. When the 4 emerged from the dark tunnel where the subway becomes an el, I knew I was back home in the Bronx because I could immediately see the splendid Yankee Stadium straight ahead.

I went all over the Bronx, from Fordham Road to Soundview to Morris Park to Gun Hill Road to Van Cortland Park to Webster Avenue to Broadway to the Grand Concourse to White Plains Road.

I was saddened to learn that Macombs Dam Park was no longer there. They were now building the New Yankee Stadium on top of the sandlot park where Rod Carew had learned to play baseball as a kid.

Searching here and there, near and far, I was bitterly disappointed there were not many more players who could claim they were technically born in the Boogie Down than could claim they were from Athens, Georgia. But up in the Boogie Down, I managed to find Ronnie Belliard, Bobby Bonilla, Frankie Frisch, and B.J. Surhoff.

Belliard is a nice little player and all but I can’t expect him to be able to touch the likes of Satchel Paige. Surhoff may have technically been born in the Bronx but, as we all know, he is more well known as the catcher from Rye, New York, not the Bronx. And, from his time with the Atlanta Braves, I believe B.J. to be a lil’ sourpuss. I didn’t want to bring B.J. along for the ride but he was a catcher and catchers are hard to find. So, I invited Bobby Bo, Frisch, and B.J. to open tryouts. Had to keep Bobby Bo.He was the guy, after all, who once taunted beat writers that he was gonna show the beat writers the Bronx. Love the spirit even if I don’t like the guy.

I decided to broaden my search to all the boroughs of New York. I next took the ferry over to Shaolin, a.k.a. Staten Island. Unfortunately, there was no one out there. So, I headed over to Queens. Same thing there. No one worth anything. Brokenhearted at this point but not broken in will, I made my way over to Crooklyn.

Over in Crooklyn, the first player I found was Ken Brett. I asked where his brother George was. Ken responded that unfortunately George wasn’t born in Brooklyn like Ken was. What good are you without George I thought to myself. Angry about it, I decided not to invite Ken to an open tryout.

I then found some interesting prospects such as Rich Aurilla, Shawon Dunston, David Dejesus, Sid Gordon, Joe Judge, Paul Loduca, Joe Pepitone, Rico Petrocelli, Eddie Yost, Richie Zisk and invited them to open tryouts. Nice little players but I can’t exactly take on Salty’s Bama Barnstormers with these little fellas.

Just as I was about to give up hope, I happened upon a sandlot where Lou Whitaker, Joe Torre, Sandy Koufax, Phil Rizzuto, and Wee Willie Keeler were playing. I didn’t invite them to an open tryout. I told them they were on the team, told Torre he was the player/manager, and told Sandy he was the staff ace.

After looking through 4 of the 5 boroughs though, my squad wasn’t looking too good. My search through Manhattan was gonna have to be very fruitful.

Puzzled about the lack of ballplayers born in the outer boroughs, I decided to check baseball-reference.com for how many prospects had been born in Manhattan. I didn’t want to just go wandering aimlessly from Battery Park to Inwood to the Upper East Side to Harlem to Hell’s Kitchen to Greenwich Village if there were no ballplayers there.

Much to my surprise, I found that most of the ballplayers from New York City had been born in Manhattan. Guess that is not so surprising since the best hospitals are in Manhattan. But I don’t think that is what the problem is. Pregnant mothers about to deliver babies are not exactly gonna hop on the subway down to Manhattan after their water breaks. And they are not likely to hail an expensive cab at that moment either.

Most likely what was causing the problem was laziness on the part of those listing the player’s place of birth on their birth certificates. When you list New York, New York as the birthplace, this is supposed to mean the child was born on the island of Manhattan. If you are born in one of the outer boroughs, it should be listed as Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, or The Bronx. But whatever. I finally found the prospects I needed to take on Salty’s vaunted barnstorming squad from south of the Mason-Dixon.

When the team finally took shape, this is what the barnstorming Carpetbaggers from New York City looked like: Joe Torre, Lou Gehrig, Hank Greenberg, Lou Whitaker, Frankie Frisch, Alex Rodriguez, Phil Rizzuto, Edgar Martinez, Rocky Colavito, Ken Singleton, Wee Willie Keeler, Bobby Bonilla, B.J. Surhoff, Rico Petrocelli, Sandy Koufax, Jim Palmer, Ed Lopat, Whitey Ford, John Candeleria, Matt Morris, Dennis Leonard, Waite Hoyt, Larry Corcoran, John Franco.

My bird dogging complete, I turned the fellas over to our manager Joe Torre. This is the lineup card Grandpa Joe came up with:

			AVG	OBP	SLG
1	CF	Wee Willie Keeler	0.341	0.388	0.415
2	LF	Ken Singleton	0.282	0.388	0.436
3	1B	Lou Gehrig	0.340	0.447	0.632
4	DH	Hank Greenberg	0.313	0.412	0.605
5	3B	Edgar Martinez	0.312	0.418	0.515
6	RF	Rocky Colavito	0.266	0.359	0.489
7	C	Joe Torre	0.297	0.365	0.452
8	SS	Alex Rodriguez	0.306	0.389	0.578
9	2B	Lou Whitaker	0.276	0.363	0.426

As you see, Torre is still trying to bat AFraud 8^th. Joe really doesn’t like Alex, but who likes the $300 million dollar man anyway? As long as Wee Willie is hittin’ ‘em where they ain’t, I’ll be happy with whatever lineup Joe throws out there.

On the bench are:

		AVG	OBP	SLG
C	B.J. Surhoff	0.282	0.332	0.413
IF	Frankie Frisch	0.316	0.369	0.432
IF	Phil Rizzuto	0.273	0.351	0.355
IF	Eddie Yost	0.254	0.394	0.371
OF	Bobby Bonilla	0.279	0.358	0.472
OF	Rico Petrocelli	0.251	0.332	0.420

The pitching rotation looks like this:

		W	L	ERA	SV
1	Sandy Koufax	165	87	2.76	9
2	Whitey Ford	236	106	2.75	10
3	Jim Palmer	268	152	2.86	4
4	Waite Hoyt	237	182	3.59	52
5	Ed Lopat	166	112	3.21	3
6	Dennis Leonard	144	106	3.70	1
7	Matt Morris	121	88	3.91	4
8	John Candeleria	177	122	3.33	29
9	Larry Corcoran	177	89	2.36	2
10	John Franco	90	87	2.89	424

All in all, I think it is a team worthy of engaging in a war of northern aggression against Salty’s Bama Barnstormers. We’ll see. Torre might not be Sherman but Torre did a pretty good job of burning down Atlanta by winning 8 straight in the World Series against the Braves in the 1990s.

Let’s go old school and play a best of 9 series like they did back in the day. No night games under the lights. Only day games with a true doubleheader or two during the series. None of this day/night doubleheader garbage. We’ll have a hard time convincing Klobber of that though. Klobber wants to maximize profits. Lost profits due to true doubleheaders are certainly not in the plans of that crooked bootlegger.

Any other challengers out there? Do you dare take on the Bama Barnstormers or the New York Carpetbaggers?

williamwallace

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